I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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