Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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