First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
