How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
