I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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