Apparently you make a good broom.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
