So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
