His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
