Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
