she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
