JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
