I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
