My friends, they love my intelligence
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
