Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need water and some morals
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
