addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
