I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
