WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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