Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
