Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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