Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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