Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
