She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
