It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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