I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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