When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
