Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
