My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
