Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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