my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
