i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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