i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
