she looked like the before picture.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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