Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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