if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
