nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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