so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
