Already got asked if we're dating
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
