Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
