If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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