i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
