sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
