I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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