just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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