Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
