Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
