Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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