I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
