I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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