you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
