I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
