You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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