My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Randomize
