I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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