She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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