I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize