all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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