SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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