Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
