so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
