I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
