Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize