I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
