M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
