I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
